"When I Got Kicked Out the House at 18."

Young women out there need to hear this story. It's real, allot of young women end up in situations like I did, but often time don't have the endurance or the strength to recover from the situation. Or they continue the cycle, and stay in pain.

I was talking to someone the other day and they stated to me that I really needed to be careful telling the wrong people my story because they will take it and twist and use it as leverage to judge and look down.

My thoughts on that is, There are countless young women in America that need to know that whatever the negation of yesterday, this does not equal your future, you choose your future. I can't be worried about haters or negative people. This is a story about life and blessings.

"When I Got Kicked Out the House at 18."

Its was in the Northeast and it was cold. It really started when I was 16, I was never trusted, respected, appreciated or anything. I was the most hated girl in school, everybody wanted to fight me, sometimes I had no idea why I was even fighting? it did not make sense to me. But i had to defend myself, the oldest of 3 siblings, growing up in America, coming here from Panama, living with a family with really strong Panamanian values and culture, initially not speaking the English language, I just felt like I had many obstacles against me.

To top it off, I did not get along with my mom, nor did I have or know my dad. I heard many stories about him but I never met him personally, I often wondered "Why did he not try to find me?" Did he know I was in the US (that's another story).

My mom was a teenage mom, she had me at 18. She struggled to raise me, I saw her go through allot, she was a devout Christian, and VERY VERY STRICT, in my opinion I could never do anything right, she was not approachable, she was always right, it was her way or no way.

She worked in the Medical field, therefore I was home all the time with my younger brother and sister, my free time was very very limited, I was always an outgoing person looking for action and fun, I was constrained to church and reading the bible, which at the time was very very boring to me, besides church was wayyyy toooo long. Mind you, it was a rude awakening, I came from Curtis Mayfield, Jerry Butler, Isaac Hayes, to the Andrew Sisters,& Shirley Cesar. It happened fast!! (trust me I love the Lord tho) Anyway, mom worked a lot, I could never go outside talk on the phone or do anything! everything was so restrictive and penal. Often time I would be on the phone and mom would be on the other end listening, not only did she listen but she but in and embarrassed me on the spot.

Whenever I asked to go anywhere, I would be walking down the street and my mom would pull up and ask me where I was going, I ( I just so happened to be coming out of a store on my way to where I was going) and she would literally embarrass me, by slapping me in public, to the point where, my nose would bleed, it was horrible. I could not believe this, this was going on the majority of my life, the restrictiveness, the rules, the pressure, to be an older sister and daughter with adult responsibilities and no free time.

I cleaned the house, I washed the dishes, I took out the trash, I watched the kids, however I could not do anything or go anywhere unless it was church related, which led me to sneaking around, lying, and keeping things from mom.

Therefore the trust was not there. After the nose bleeding incident at the Library at 16, I walked back to the house, she got out of the car, and the real games began, the slapping started again, it had to be about 26 degrees outside. I could not take it, I pushed her away and the real fighting began, we struggled and tussled a neighbor came out and watched my mom pound on me.

That was the series of more tussles and tussles that had been going on all along. I was kicked out, I was in 10th grade it was 1987. I had no clothes, I was bloodied. No where to go, I had no real Friends, I went to a friends house, she gave me a clean change of clothes and under clothes to go to school. I went to school the next day and reported my mom "quietly" to child protective services, she thought it was the neighbor, it wasn't it was me.

**There may some members of my family that may not like this, however its my story, its no way to degrade my mom, its to tell the struggles of a teen girl trying to be safe and supported and understood**

I was removed from the house for 30 days, but no one ever got counseling, my mom blamed it all on the neighbor and I agreed. I could not tell her it was me.

I went back home I was going to be 17 in a few months, guess what, I was kicked out again within about 90 days, see my problem was that I never had the freedom to be me or express myself ever, I was always severely restrictive, my mom was advised to keep a leash on me as child, to break my will because I would try to rule her when I got older, the ass whippings started. It was crazy, my spirit was being broken every day, the problem was, I had too much spirit, I refused to be broken, my dreams were way too strong, there had to be more to life and at 9 years old when the madness started, I hung on, but little did anyone know, how lonely, sad, and broken I was inside, all they saw was attitude and rebellion.

When I went to school it was no good, I needed special ed services that went over looked, mom only got bad news from school and I would continue to be pounded on, and told how bad and rebellious I was. I had fights in school because I was the smallest one in the close with the biggest voice, ( I was a smart ass too) so the bigger kids wanted to teach me a lesson, and I was not having it. So I fought back. However I was very angry, no one knew what was going on at home. I could never tell till I was 16.

Back to 17 and getting kicked out again at 17. It was the summer of 88, we had an argument, and again I heard the words "Get Out" I was like what? where am I suppose to go, I was in 11th grade. I was just straight pissed, I think I heard get out so much it became my name LOL. Hey get out! what! Get out! I was like Damn! LOL that was funny you gotta humor in this right??

I stayed with some spanish friends of mine for about 4 weeks, thank God I had a job so I had money, they embraced me, but her mom became uncomfortable because she wondered was she doing anything illegal by keeping me at her house. So we contacted my mom and went back home, however I was scared cause I knew I was going to get kicked out again. I got tired of being homeless. I was depressed, I had enemies in the streets cause I seemed to always fight the most popular people and fought me for something I know I did not say, again, I was always rolling alone and I was not having being punked or disrespected so I fought back and very seldom ever lost, (not bragging) but that's how much fight and anger I had in me, I just wanted to be left alone and not taken lightly and disrespected. However it was a subconscious pattern I had developed, it was what I attracted and was use to.

My question at that moment was "Who is going to take care of me" I knew I was alone, I had people around me but I was always alone internally.

I was like damn nobody likes me, Don't get along with my mom, people want to pound on me and no dad! My punishments never fit my crime, meaning, I would tell someone I thought I could trust that I did not like someone, then they would tell them, and then they would come back with an ENTIRE POSSY of big chics to stomp me, LOL, I was like man, I take it back! these chics were huge! mind you I stood 4'11 1/2 and weighed 110 lbs.

"When I Got Kicked Out the House at 18."

Stayed tuned for Chapter 2

"The Boyfriend"