BREAK UP TO MAKE UP? NOT SO FAST! LEARN HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP STYLES NOW! READ BELOW..

Relationship Relapse

By Meredith Broussard
Courtesy of Match.com's Happen magazine

In medical terms, a "relapse" happens when you think you've suffered through the worst of an illness and feel like you're on the road to recovery, until bam! -- out of the blue, your symptoms return, sending you back to bed with a box of Kleenex. Now, "relationship relapse," on the other hand, is not an official medical diagnosis. But that doesn't mean it's not very, very real to the people it strikes.

Here's what happens: Just when you think you're starting to get over your ex and realize all the flaws in your relationship, you run into him or her somewhere. Maybe it's accidental, or you make an excuse to get together -- perhaps for the sake of closure. You try to be just friends, sure. But you end up hanging out, and maybe you start sitting dangerously close to one another. Promises are made. There is kissing, a brief feeling of euphoria, and then bam! You're back in bed together, along with all of your old dysfunctional patterns: renting movies, fighting over silly things, wondering if there is anyone better out there.

If this scenario sounds all too familiar -- or maybe you're living it as you read this -- I'm here to warn you that relationship relapse can be deadly to your dating life. That's because by revisiting your past, you're taking yourself off the market -- thus preventing you from finding The One. So, the next time you're tempted to slip back into an old relationship, check out these tips instead.

Rx No. 1: Purge ex-related toxins from your environment.
You'll forget your ex faster without any reminders, so you should immediately begin to remove all traces of him or her from your life. First step: cell phone. Erase your ex's name, digits, friends, pictures. This way, you're not tempted to call -- and you won't "accidentally" dial (Freud would say there are no accidents.) Next, purge your computer: Erase photos, e-mails, files, anything having to do with your ex. If you have trouble letting go, burn everything onto a CD and hide it someplace. Finally, take all the physical evidence (clothes, gifts, artwork, sporting equipment, etc.), and get rid of it. You may want to have a yard sale -- this is the perfect opportunity to clear your clutter and make way for the new single you. If you get hives at the idea of throwing away perfectly good stuff, try making a box: Take everything that reminds you of your ex, pack it up in a cardboard box, and stash it in your attic.

Rx No. 2: Avoid using alcohol as anesthesia.
Drinking, while an effective way to numb post-breakup pain, also lowers your resistance to infection -- from germs and from ex-lovers. Think of it this way: When you get sick, you get emotional. Maybe you feel sorry for yourself, maybe you decide you don't just want your ex, but you need your ex to help you through. And once your ex drops by with orange juice and tissues, it's all over. And, of course, we probably don't need to tell you that getting blotto can also lead to Drink and Dial episodes, where it seems like a good idea to call your ex at 3 a.m. No surprise here, but these calls never go well. We're not saying you need to be a teetotaler, but it's best to figure out what's driving your urge to imbibe. See which way your mood is headed by asking yourself: Do you want a refill because you're having fun with your friends, or because you're not having fun since you wish your ex were around? If you're leaning toward the latter answer, order a seltzer.

Rx No. 3: Safeguard yourself against emotional stress.
You're cruising along with your recovery when wham! -- you get canned from your job, a pet dies, or you hit some other personal crisis. Think it's OK to lean on your ex for a spell until you're back on your feet? Tempting, sure, but no. Just ask Ellen Rosenholz from Philadelphia. "My ex-boyfriend said, 'I don't want a girlfriend' so we broke up," she recalls. "Then, my pet died and I had to call him. And he had to take me out to dinner to comfort me ... I realized that I missed him." They got back together immediately, but it didn’t last long; he was compassionate, but he still wasn't ready to commit.

Since times of personal crisis are so unstable, the impulse to run towards someone who's served as a rock in your recent past is understandable. Keep in mind, though, that your ex isn't the only person who cares about you. Your mom, dad or best friend from high school would probably all be happy to come to your emotional aid. Plan ahead and identify a friend or family member you can call in times of need.

Rx No. 4: Abstain from ex sex at all costs.
Breakup sex, once more for old times' sake, friends with benefits -- all of these things are delusions if you're really trying to avoid relationship relapse. One midnight booty call leads to another, and before you know it you're back to the same old argument over who gets first dibs on the Sunday Op-Ed page. Rachel Cope from Miami can relate: "I was dating a guy for a year and a half and actually had planned on ending the relationship -- then he broke up with me," she recalls. "We did the breakup sex thing, which led to an awful limbo in which we weren't together but I gave myself up at the drop of a hat, and then went to my room and cried hysterically ... Then I realized that even if things did go back to normal between the two of us, that normal had never been that great." Rachel took decisive action and ended the relationship.

Need some ideas of what to do instead? Make a list of all the things you disliked about your ex or about the relationship. Carry it in your wallet and consult it whenever you're tempted to re-establish intimate contact. Then, get busy (not in that way!): Pick up a new hobby, go on an adventure, or travel somewhere you've always wanted to visit. Join a club or group that involves meeting new people and getting out of the house regularly. You never know who's out there…and that's your better bet than revisiting your past.

Meredith Broussard is the editor of a new anthology 'The Encyclopedia of Exes: 26 Stories by Men of Love Gone Wrong.' Her website is www.failedrelationships.com.

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LET'S GET THIS GOING!!

Hip Hop's Simmons wants to remove offensive words

By Daniel Trotta Mon Apr 23, 2:27 PM ET

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Prominent U.S. hip-hop executive Russell Simmons on Monday recommended eliminating the words "bitch," "ho" and "nigger" from the recording industry, considering them "extreme curse words."

The call comes less than two weeks after radio personality Don Imus' nationally syndicated and televised radio show was canceled amid public outcry over Imus calling a women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos."

Simmons, co-founder of the Def Jam label and a driving force behind hip-hop's huge commercial success, called for voluntary restrictions on the words and setting up an industry watchdog to recommend guidelines for lyrical and visual standards.

"We recommend that the recording and broadcast industries voluntarily remove/bleep/delete the misogynistic words 'bitch' and 'ho' and the racially offensive word 'nigger'," Simmons and Benjamin Chavis, co-chairmen of the advocacy group Hip-Hop Summit Action Network, said in a statement.

"These three words should be considered with the same objections to obscenity as 'extreme curse words'," it said.

Ho is slang for whore and commonly used in hip-hop music while nigger, a derogatory term for blacks, is among the most highly charged insults in American culture. The slur "nappy," used by Imus, describes the tightly curled hair of many African Americans.

CHANGING STANCE

Monday's statement changed course from another one by Simmons and Chavis dated April 13, a day after Imus' show was canceled, in which they said offensive references in hip-hop "may be uncomfortable for some to hear, but our job is not to silence or censor that expression."

The Imus controversy stoked a debate in the United States about how to deal with inflammatory words that are widely considered highly offensive but at the same time commonly and casually used in youth culture.

Jesse Jackson have led the charge to suppress offensive words while many artists have argued for freedom of expression. New York City declared a symbolic moratorium on the so-called N-word in February.

"Our internal discussions with industry leaders are not about censorship. Our discussions are about the corporate social responsibility of the industry to voluntarily show respect to African Americans and other people of color, African American women and to all women in lyrics and images," the statement from Simmons and Chavis said on Monday.

The network recommended the formation of a Coalition on Broadcast Standards that would consist of leading executives from music, radio and television.

"WHY I HAD TO LEAVE MY DAD ALONE"

Well the saga continues, from my last post

"Absent Fathers & Angry Black Woman Syndrome"

I was peacefully minding my business tonight, when my phone rang, it was my "father figures" daughter, questioning me about why I am not speaking to our "Father" I gave her the explanation.

Here it is. I was born overseas during the Vietnam Era, my mom gave birth to me in Panama. The man that played the "father figure" stopped writing and calling after 2 years and promising my mom marriage and a future. He disappeared. Years went by, and we came to the United States and made it, I moved on, my mom moved on and got married and had two more children and became a nurse and an "Evangelist". As you can tell from my story, I had a baby, was in the service, got my Masters degree, moved to Maryland, and did fairly well for myself in life, in spite of obstacles and challenges getting here.

However in the back of my mind I always wondered who I was? That other half of me was missing, I needed to know, I needed to understand who I was, and fill that gap with a face. I had the name just no face. At the age of 35, I was sitting in front of my computer 2 weeks before Christmas, and playing on the Internet, and doing random searches on www.zabasearch.com to find some old Navy buddies. My gut said, Look up your dad, so I typed in the name.

It came up! his name came up with a phone number. I called it was 1030pm at night. A woman answered, I said hello is ***** there? She said he is sleeping? I said well pardon me for calling your house so late, however I was wondering if this is so and so that was stationed in Panama City, Panama, back in 1970? She said yes, are you his daughter? I was quiet, I could not believe it, I got it, it was him! I was scared, exited, and numb all at the same time.

She said hold on and said let me wake him up, he got on the phone and I asked him the same questions, he was gentle and kind and receptive to me, and confirmed information about my mom, myself, and her pregnancy. We talked for 2 hours. The next day I woke up, I was so shaken, I cried, and cried, I could not believe that I was actually talking to someone that was "Father" that was weird to me. His wife knew about me my whole life and had photos of me.

At any rate, time went on, we were on the phone every night, talking and talking and talking about everything and anything. He expressed his sadness and regret over not being there for me and my mom ( and I believed him). In January he invited me to his home town to meet him and (his family). The drama started from there. I was grateful and happy, however the way his wife reacted towards me, I was totally shocked, this was a church going "Christian" woman, that was very insecure and jealous, and so was her family, when I showed up.

She came to my gathering (celebration) late, and then went onto to tell me all her and my (father figures) problems, and how she would never marry him again, and she knocked his family like crazy, (my side as well) said they all had issues (as if what family doesn't) like her family was so "perfect" in my mind I am trying to figure out this woman's motive.

I told him the things his wife said, because I could not figure out for the life of me why she was acting the way she did, She gave away how insecure she was, I saw right through her. At any rate, that is neither here or there. The problem I had was this. He called my mom after 35 years (for what I don't know) to supposedly apologize, and the whole (15min) they were on the phone, he boasted about his two daughters after me.

That reopened wounds for my mom like why would this man call me after 35 years to tell me this? It was to clear his consciousness. So sick.

The next thing I knew was that I was not hearing from the "father figure" like I was recently, he stopped calling, and responding to emails, yet he wanted me to attend a trip to Miami to meet (the other 2 girls), I wrote him and told him I was not going, I was not comfortable (it brought me back to remember how he just stopped writing to my mom and me in Panama and never explained and disappeared).

He immediately wrote back and asked why and explained that his wife was angry that I was back in the picture and they are now in counseling and that his absence had no reflection on wanting to be in a relationship again. I let it go agreed to go to Miami, and I watched his behavior to see if it matched. Guess what he still never called again, (the behavior continued) even after going to Miami.

Come to find out, I got a negative phone call from his daughter threatening me to not hurt her father. I was like what? He apparently told her about a conversation I had with him about his ways changing. She explained to me that he had to keep his wife and family together and did not want to jeopardize it by communicating with me. I was like WHAT?? YOU MEAN TO TELL ME, THAT THIS MAN WOULD GIVE UP THE CHANCE TO GET TO KNOW A LONG LOST DAUGHTER AND HAVE A POSSIBLE RELATIONSHIP, TO KEEP an insecure woman secure in her own shoes?

The part that pissed me off the most is that, since I have been in Maryland I have received at least 3 phone calls from his wife's side of the family asking me questions and being sneaky playing games. I said to myself, I wanted to get to know my "father figure" but he came with allot of baggage and "shoved his family" down my throat. Very disappointed to say the least.

Well I learned from this, I learned that I got the closure I needed, I saw him, I met him, and now I heal and move on. I tell other young women that have no father, when you find him, go with an open mind, but guard your heart, move slow, get to know HIM as much as POSSIBLE, take it slow. Move slow, ask questions, and if he tries to shove his other side down your throat ask him to slow down.

Am I hurt, not really, I am actually proud of myself, I NIPPED IT IN THE BUD, and needless to say, I TOLD HIS DAUGHTER A "FEW THINGS".

STAY SWEET, ANOTHER CHAPTER IN THE BOOK WRITTEN.

AIDS & RAPE IN SOUTH AFRICA

It's sad to see how this disease is so rampaged around the world!

That there has not been a cure found for it as of yet. It has been suggested that a cure can be found, however its all about the money for the Pharmaceutical folks. Well here it is 25 years later its sad to see what the country had to resort to in order to protect its women from HIV & Rape.

SOUTH AFRICAN ANTI-RAPE CONDOM
Posted Apr 12th 2007 5:03PM by Angela BronnerFiled under: AIDS: 25 Years and Counting

The adage "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" has taken on new meaning. And with the RapeX anti-rape female condom, that pound is coming out of somebody's johnson. RapeX is a female condom that damages a rapist's penis after penetration with sharp microscopic barbs that hook into the skin. After the man is incapacitated, this ostensibly gives the woman time to escape.

The condom can only be surgically removed (thereby catching the perp redhanded), but supposedly will not cause major damage if removed immediately.

Invented by Sonette Ehlers, a blood technician at the South African Institute for Medical Research, RapeX has been in existence since August 2005 and is to be inserted and worn when a woman is "on a train, working late, going out on a date with someone you don't know too well, going to clubs, or in any situation that you might not feel comfortable or even just not sure."

Rape plays a significant role in the high prevalence of HIV among women in South Africa.
Continue reading SOUTH AFRICAN ANTI-RAPE CONDOM

PAULA NEAL MOONEY

I write that name really BIG because its a person with a BIG HEART. Paula deserves much props from us here at SweetGyrl, Inc. She has been our silent and boisterous supporter. Paula actually encouraged SweetGyrl to go out on a limb to tell the story! The Book "The Truth Behind SweetGyrl" has begun!

I love the fact that she is always willing to help out, make suggestions, tell how she gets things done. Paula is literally the "Perfect Stranger" and "The "Ultimate SweetGyrl" for the month of April. Not only because its her BIRTHDAY AT THE END OF APRIL! but because of her "Selflessness" she is unwavering and "Selfless.

SweetGyrl just want to take a moment to shout out Ms. Mooney and thank her for being such an inspiration to me Kimberly Bowles and SweetGyrl Inc.

As a result of Paula, I have met another wonderful young woman named Tara Pringle, (That Journalist) . We are currently working together to bring a wonderful HUGE INSPIRING SURPRISE TO THE THE TEEN GYRL COMMUNITY AROUND THE WORLD!

No doubt thanks to Paul Neal Mooney! to find out more about Paula's Musings, you can check her out at http://paulamooney.blogspot.com/ "The Wheel in the Sky keeps on Turning"!

Also to find out more about Tara Pringle http://thatjournalist.blogspot.com/ "Words & Such"

I wanted to take this time to Praise God from whom all of my blessing flow, Paula Mooney & Tara Pringle (my blessings).

Have a wonderful day, and HAPPY HAPPY UPCOMING BIRTHDAY TO PAULA NEAL MOONEY FOR THE MONTH OF APRIL!!

FACTS ABOUT ABSTAINING

Pledgers delay 27 months longer*

Abstainers more likely to graduate from HS, college, make more $** Sources: * Bearman, P., & Bruckner, H. “Promising the future: virginity pledges and first intercourse.” American Journal of Sociology, 106 (4), 859-912, 2001. ** Robert Rector and Kirk Johnson,

“Teen Sexual Abstinence and Academic Achievement,” www.heritage.org/Research/Welfare/whitepaper10272005.cfm.Notes:

You’ve heard a lot of information about the physical and emotional damage that comes from uncommitted sex and about how the creators of many of the messages in popular music, TV, movies and the Internet don’t care about your life, and how waiting until marriage benefits your life and increases your happiness.

Did you know that teens who make a promise or a pledge to abstain from sex delay having sex an average of 27 months than teens who don’t make a pledge? Teens who abstain from sex are much more likely to graduate from high school, to graduate from college, and have much higher incomes than teens who don’t abstain. So the time has come for you to make a decision.

You can stand on the fence and let others, the media or your own emotions run your life, or you can decide to make your life successful and happy by making a decision to abstain.

FOR MY SPANISH SISTERS!

La Declaración personal de la Libertad¸

Para reclamar que mi derecho de ser libre del embarazo & STDs, un corazón roto, y las relaciones poco honradas; ¸ Y, liberta para cumplir mis metas de la vida, encontrar mi un amor verdadero, y hacer un compromiso de toda la vida; ¸ Yo, _________, ha tomado la decisión de abstenerse del sexo hasta el casamiento. Seré responsable a (el nombre de mentor adulto) para esta decisión.

DIOS DE BENDIGA

KIMBERLY, REPUBLICA DE PANAMA!

"THE VIRGIN'S PLEDGE"

Personal Declaration of Freedom¸ In order to claim my right to be free from pregnancy & STDs, a broken heart, and dishonest relationships; ¸ And, free to fulfill my life goals, find my one true love, and make a lifelong commitment; ¸ I, _________, have made the decision to abstain from sex until marriage.I will be accountable to (name of adult mentor) for this decision.

"STRENGTH PREVAILS"

Heartache Haunts Another Stringer Trip To Final Four
TOM CANAVAN
AP Sports

Rutgers Responds
Reuters
Rutgers women's basketball team members responded to Don Imus's sexist and racially insensitive remarks at a press conference on Tuesday.
Editorial: Why Imus Must Go
What has made it OK for men -- White and Black -- to make Black women the butt of jokes and scorn?

Rutgers coach C. Vivian Stringer wanted everyone to see the women who Don Imus insulted the way she sees them - as a talented, classy group that overcame adversity to play for a national championship."No one can make you feel inferior unless you allow them. We can't let other people steal our joy," Stringer said at a news conference Tuesday, a day after Imus was suspended for two weeks for referring to the players as "nappy-headed hos."The Rutgers' administration and the team called Imus' remarks last week "despicable," but stopped short of saying he should be fired and agreed to meet privately with the embattled radio host.

"My role as a coach is one to love, nurture, discipline, teach and prepare our young women for leadership roles in this society," Stringer said. "And that I am sure of. And all that we do and all of the travels we have had, this group of young women have been presented as nothing less than class, in every aspect of all that they do."For Stringer, the accomplishment of this team was special because they had come so far this season. They started out 2-4, including an embarrassing 40-point loss to Duke, which was ranked No. 1 for most of the season.The 59-year-old Hall of Fame coach was so disappointed with the team early this season, she took away some privileges, making them wash their own practice clothes.

You Make the Call
"Through perseverance, hard work, determination, during the Christmas holidays, they spent eight to 10 hours working and going through films, studying and working so hard to become all of what they could be," she said. "And ultimately, they ended up playing for the national championship. No one believed in them but them."It was an uplifting Final Four story. Stringer's three other Final Four trips were marred by tragedy.When she took little Cheyney State to the national title game in 1982, it was the same year her infant daughter, Janine, came down with spinal meningitis and was close to death several times. The disease left Janine severely handicapped and confined to a wheelchair.Eleven years later, Stringer led Iowa to the Final Four less than six months after her husband, Bill, died of a massive heart attack on Thanksgiving Day 1992.Stringer took the Rutgers job in June 1995, less than a year after Rutgers president Francis L. Lawrence created a controversy by saying that African-Americans lacked "the genetic hereditary background" to score well on standardized tests. Lawrence apologized but did not resign as many asked.

BV Sports Blog

Who You Calling A Nappy Headed Ho?
It wasn't bad enough that the Vols crushed Rutgers in the Women's NCAA tournament, now the Rutgers gals are being called "nappy-headed hos' by radio host Don Imus.

Stringer eventually became the first coach to take three schools to the Final Four when she led Rutgers there in 2000. That trip was surrounded by concerns about her youngest son, Justin, who suffered serious head injuries in an automobile accident that season. Two years earlier, another son, David, had been indirectly involved in a shooting death while at North Carolina State."She has been through many struggles," said Rutgers junior forward Essence Carson, one of eight black players on the Scarlet Knights' 10-player roster. "That just proved to us, it's not just where you come from, it's where you're going.""We embody her," Carson added. "She embodies us. And we are just proud to be part of this Rutgers women's basketball team.

"Even as a teenager, Stringer was a leader, becoming the first black cheerleader at her school.Her father, a coal miner in western Pennsylvania, convinced her to go before a school board and get the position."He said to me, 'Vivian, if you don't stand up for something, you will fall for anything, and you know what? This might not be about you, or for you, but it is for future generations of young women that you need to take a stand,"' Stringer recalled.Now, more than 40 years later, racism has confronted Stringer again.She called Imus' comments "racist and sexist remarks that are deplorable, despicable and unconscionable.""It's not about them (players) as black or nappy-headed. It's about us as a people," Stringer said. "When there is not equality for all, or when there has been denied equality for one, there has been denied equality for all."

Don Imus and Nappy Headed Hos

This is very disturbing, to call these young women who are playing ball, and going to school and trying to do the right thing with their lives.

Its a shame that "Racisim" of this magnitude exist in society and with Imus have such a huge audience and influence on people's opinions.

I do hope they call for some sort of diciplinary action.

FREETEENS USA ARTICLE/OPINION ON RECENT OPRAH SHOW

Dear Friends, Fascinating and important comments by Diane Sollee, Founder/Director of the Smart Marriage Conferences (http://www.smartmarriages.com) about a recent Oprah show that discussed a misleading NY Times article about the number of women not living with a husband. Best,Richard- FRIDAY'S OPRAH SHOWI'm baffled.

We all realize Oprah's incredible power and influenceand if you watch the show you know that she cares deeply about girls and women and, really, about all living things. We know that the lastthing she'd want to do is present information that would do damage -in the short or long run. We also know she has a huge staff - and they must have every resourceand access to vast information. That's why Friday's (4/6/07) showleaves me totally baffled. They used a new format. Oprah sat on stage alone and discussed "news"items with the audience. The item that generated the most discussionwas the stat taken from the Jan 07 NY Time's article and flashed onscreen as a talking point: "51% of Women Single".

Oprah explained that in America single women now outnumber married women for the first time ever. No correction or explanation about how these numberswere calculated or that this info has since been corrected, even bythe NY Times - that the author came up with the 51% which was definedas women "living alone" and included women whose husbands were working out of state or out of the country; deployed to Iraq,Afghanistan, Korea or elsewhere; or in prison. It also didn't explainthat the 51% included 10 million little girls "15, 16, 17...." and women who had outlived their husbands and are now "living alone" but after long marriages. It was presented on Oprah as though 51% of women aren't marrying. An audience member expressed concern saying that she thought marriage was important for the community and for children and concerned that due to celebrity marriages and devaluing marriage, this trend might grow.

Oprah said she wasn't concerned, said she saw the trend as"evolution". Oprah next introduced a 39-year old audience member and in her introexplained how happy this women was in her single state - how much shewas enjoying her single life, dating, and sex. The women thenabsolutely glowed and quivered as she talked about how wonderful herlife was - that she could do whatever she wanted. This was greetedwith beaming and applause. No mention of the fact that over 90% ofour daughters still say it is their goal to marry and have children.No one asked this woman how she felt about never having children. Then another "new" stat was flashed on screen: "70% of Black Women are Single". Oprah expressed amazement: "Who Knew??!". Much discussion ensued with Oprah's strong advice/solution being that because of the huge disparity between the numbers of Black women and available Black men, Black women must not be waiting around to marry a Black man.

That was the root of the problem. She said she's been preaching this to all her girlfriends, like Gayle for years - that they have to 'get real' and be willing to marry non-Black men. An agitated Black women in the audience explained that she was very happily married to a Black man, and exhorted Black mothers to raise marriageable Black sons, and then introduced her 33 year old brother who was sitting beside her, whom she said was very marriageable. Another woman stood up to express her concern that the discussion was disparaging marriage and said how wonderful her marriage was and how important it was to her happiness.

Oprah allowed that, yes, there are some good Black men and marriages BUT asked thewoman - aren't you and aren't all of us glad that we now have achoice. That back in the day, women had to be married to havelives. They went to college to find a husband. Now we don't have tomarry or have arranged marriages to have wonderful lives. And, thenshe repeated what she says so often, that she's got a perfectly wonderful Black man but it is her CHOICE not to marry. She did a showearlier in the year where she made a declaration that she would nevermarry because, as the theme of that show spelled out, a woman is ingreat danger of losing herself and her individuality - who she is -in a marriage.

No one on Friday's show mentioned the co-incidence that 70% of ofBlack children born out of wedlock - most, of course, fathered by Black men. The only mention of children was by a concerned audience member to the effect that marriage was good for raising children.This remark was countered by Oprah with "we all know it takes avillage, a community, to raise children" - affirmed with much applause. No discussion or question was raised about how many of the70% of liberated, unmarried Black women were strugglingsingle mothers or the correlations with out-of-wedlock birth rate. The staff is asleep at the wheel. This is evolution?

This is what CHOICE is about?I keep saying it's not just the lack of good information aboutmarriage but the mis-information that's killing us. And, it's the media that provides the info and creates our combined culturalunderstanding of the benefits of marriage and understanding about whyand how marriage succeeds or fails. I cannot understand why Oprah'sstaff would leave her out there dangling in the wind presenting such misleading information. Why they wouldn't her staff give Oprah anupdated explanation of the 51% stat and, instead, just let hergo on the air and look ignorant?! Or, with her strong concern about helping GIRLS, why wouldn't they give Oprah the overwhelming researchon the benefits of stable marriages on the future health, happiness, and well-being of our girls and their children?! As I said, I'm baffled.

Maybe the whole Marriage Initiative grant money should have gone to help Oprah's staff bone up on research. I'm convinced her show has more effect than all our programs combined. And, WHY don't they book Diann Dawson, director of the African American Healthy Marriage Initiative and sponsor of plays, hip hopsongs, and convener of research panels and think tanks on strengthening Black Marriage? Why don't they do a show on Nisa Muhammad's crusading effort to found Black Marriage Day - established in 2002 and now celebrated annually in cities all across the Country?? Nisa - as a working single mother of five kids decided we can turn the epidemic of out-of-wedlock births and struggling single mothers around - she decided to do something forALL women and children and she certainly deserves one of Oprah's Angel Network contributions.

Or Rozario Slack and Nisa, creators ofthe Basic Training program for Black Singles and Couples. Give them achance to teach the basics on the show. Give Rozario a platform to talk about the "marriageability" of Black men and give his "Message to Our Sons". Or, speaking of THE SECRET, feature Kay Hymowitz and her book "Marriage and Caste in America" with it's clear and logical explanation of what the growing Marriage Gap is doing to our children- that the great divide in health, wealth and well-being boils downto who marries and who doesn't.

Oprah should be teaching her audiencethe facts: Finish high school, marry before having a child, do not have a child until you are 20, and your chances of being poor are only 8 percent! That should be her mantra. And it's the real SECRET- the secret is NOT about positive, wishful thinking - about wishing on a star and hoping you'll attract good things. It's about having a "north star" plan by which you can organize your life to have it all - education, love, marriage, AND kids.

Oprah needs to teach that doing things in the right order - in the right sequence -is THE SECRET. It's key. It's crucial. (For those of you that don'tknow Oprah has single-handedly put the book "The Secret" at the top of the charts and revived a Norman Vincent Peale 'positive thinking'frenzy.)Or, when she does her shows about the sexual abuse of children(another Oprah crusade) her staff should help her present the research on how much more likely it is that children will be abused if they are not living with their biological father.

The stats are overwhelming and make clear that we'd get much further in reducing sexual abuse by keeping daddies in the home than by putting predatorsin jail. It's true of Oprah's own story - she lived with hersingle-parent mom and was abused by a male relative.This is all information that Oprah's audience desperately NEEDS.I knew this front page NY Times article "51% Living Single" was goingto have legs, but guess I wasn't aware of how far it would run us inthe wrong direction.

thought with all the corrections and discussion in the press it would fade away. Now, having been amplified by the Oprah lens this MIS-information is now beamed intothe brains of millions of young women around the planet. And, thehorror is that it was presented in a celebratory manner: "evolution" - progress for women. For analysis of the NY Times article, in case you missed it here arejust two:

http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2007-January/003260.html And here: http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2007-January/003263.html

"71% of Black Women are Unmarried with Children"

While I soo love Oprah, I found last Friday's show very interesting. I agree with Oprah that on some levels being and staying single is an evolution. Where as earlier in the day, black women (women in general) strived to finish high school, grow up, and have children and get married! I don't see anything wrong with that. Oprah also made a point to say that "Women often time lose themselves" When they get married.

I agree that in some instances women do lose themselves and their identity when engaged in a relationship or married. However I don't use that as a reason as why I am presently single.

I am single because I choose to be. I am headed towards marriage, but I chose not to marry earlier on, because I was not emotionally, or mentally ready to sustain a healthy marriage or "attract" a healthy partner. I took time off to work on myself so that I could be an example and attract the kind of partner I wanted and "be the kind of partner I wanted" I have to BE THAT!, so having said that, I guess I was troubled when Oprah stated that 71% of Black women are not married. I am sorry but to me that seems like more of an epidemic! Especially where children are concerned! It's in our community! I don't think it should be praised. There was complaint that there are a number of in-eligible black men, and that black women should basically start looking outside the box. That personally bothers me, because I see on some levels that being true. More and more black women and men are not married. I look back in the 60's only 40 years ago! Black couples was celebrated it was a norm, then the 70's, pimping, ho-ing, all the blaxploitation movies, highligting and pimping and drugs, everything they fought so hard to stop from "other races" in the 60's pretty much went down the tubes. Please don't get me wrong, I love "Superfly, The Mack, Foxxy Brown, Cleopatra Jones" but stay with me here. I am just trying to figure out simply "what happened" to our "community" and the way "Black Men and Women" interact.

I really try to work with my son Samuel to help him be a "healthy" "marriageable" young man, should he choose to marry. I don't think there is anything wrong with black women marrying outside of their race. As some would say Love does not have a face. But I just raise the question what is happening with our homes and the way men and women particularly "black men and women"?

"ABSENT FATHERS & Angry Woman Syndrome"

Hello Audience its been 2 weeks since my last post!! I wanted to talk about young women and Absent Fathers, as well as the "When I express myself" I am now labeled as ANGRY, nice reverse psychology!

Many young women grow up without fathers, especially in the African American Community. It's unfortunate, because alot of men, disown or
"walk away" from their responsibilities of raising children.

Alot of times, the ones that don't walk away, want a trophies or extra credit for something that women have been doing for years.

I recently had the displeasure of having a conversation with a gentleman that I mentioned some behaviors that he was displaying, and he accused me of being angry, its just amazing to me that when dealing with men of color in particular, when your expressing your self or you become emotional you are viewed as "ANGRY".

It was also expressed that some did not approve of what I wrote about my mom in the original post! I have to tell you folks that my story is a story to reach out to young women & men that have experienced these common issues with parents moms, absent dads, dads that were there, ect. It is not to dwell on what happened, but to look at what happened and see as a way to improve your life in spite of "WHAT HAS HAPPENED" you don't have to remain stuck there! You can move on. But you have to continuously heal and do the work on yourself, many times, when your dealing with abusive mom or absent father, they never get the counseling or the help needed to be healthy and face theme selves. It is up to you to be healthy and decide whether or not having them in your space or in your life is what you want, because they are who they are, and more likely than not, they will NOT CHANGE. PERIOD.

It also shows how "slow" some people ARE in terms of being open minded and understanding the motive of why things may be the way they are.

As you all are aware, I NEVER had a father, I never knew what it was like to depend on a dad. I did not meet my "father figure" until adulthood. However my point is, many young women don't have dad's and grow up with out them in their lives. It does not mean that, they are bitter, angry, dysfunctional or any of those THINGS.

I have seen many times over young single moms raise beautiful children that are productive members of society and gone farther in life than kids that were raised with dads. I have also seen vice versa.

The issue that I have with all of this rambling that I am doing is that I have been surrounded by limited thinking individuals and accused of airing the family's business, I believe the quote was "We all have stories" does that mean it has to be exposed? The individual that said that, made me realize who and what I was dealing with.

For the young ladies that grew up without dads, its OK!! YOU HAVE MADE IT this far, and you can go on. Just know that if you already had issues with your immediate family or mom for instance, and you go looking for the man, are you prepared to deal with him and his current family issues and dysfunction, you could end up bringing in more baggage than you are willing to ever deal with.

Keep an open mind, don't expect anything, ask lots of questions, and continue the healing, because if he is like most of the situations that I have seen, it will be made to seem that when she brings up valid questions or concerns, it can be turned on her to seem like she is "Angry".

If your an adult its a slow process, if he is married, and the wife happens to be possessive or insecure, she will not necessarily be happy that you around! period its a fact, so don't go looking for this long lost family and being fully accepted right away, its not going to happen, not unless these people really have the love of the LORD in their hearts and are true true "Christians" which is hard to find these days. It's a disruption to their way of living and feeling and being and hear you come! its not easy, but It can work if you, don't jump in expecting anything.

I learned once again "The hard way" which I am clearly learning to "walk away" and learn easier, of course I had major parent issues, and it can really wreak havoc on ones life, but I have done so much emotional and mental work around it, does not mean that I am not human or feel what I feel.

When your dealing with limited minded, dysfunctional individuals! LOL, they will be the first to remind you that your "Angry" kind of a way to get the attention off of the lack of what they are not doing in their life or your life!

Just a thought. I will get more into detail later!