"WHY I HAD TO LEAVE MY DAD ALONE"

Well the saga continues, from my last post

"Absent Fathers & Angry Black Woman Syndrome"

I was peacefully minding my business tonight, when my phone rang, it was my "father figures" daughter, questioning me about why I am not speaking to our "Father" I gave her the explanation.

Here it is. I was born overseas during the Vietnam Era, my mom gave birth to me in Panama. The man that played the "father figure" stopped writing and calling after 2 years and promising my mom marriage and a future. He disappeared. Years went by, and we came to the United States and made it, I moved on, my mom moved on and got married and had two more children and became a nurse and an "Evangelist". As you can tell from my story, I had a baby, was in the service, got my Masters degree, moved to Maryland, and did fairly well for myself in life, in spite of obstacles and challenges getting here.

However in the back of my mind I always wondered who I was? That other half of me was missing, I needed to know, I needed to understand who I was, and fill that gap with a face. I had the name just no face. At the age of 35, I was sitting in front of my computer 2 weeks before Christmas, and playing on the Internet, and doing random searches on www.zabasearch.com to find some old Navy buddies. My gut said, Look up your dad, so I typed in the name.

It came up! his name came up with a phone number. I called it was 1030pm at night. A woman answered, I said hello is ***** there? She said he is sleeping? I said well pardon me for calling your house so late, however I was wondering if this is so and so that was stationed in Panama City, Panama, back in 1970? She said yes, are you his daughter? I was quiet, I could not believe it, I got it, it was him! I was scared, exited, and numb all at the same time.

She said hold on and said let me wake him up, he got on the phone and I asked him the same questions, he was gentle and kind and receptive to me, and confirmed information about my mom, myself, and her pregnancy. We talked for 2 hours. The next day I woke up, I was so shaken, I cried, and cried, I could not believe that I was actually talking to someone that was "Father" that was weird to me. His wife knew about me my whole life and had photos of me.

At any rate, time went on, we were on the phone every night, talking and talking and talking about everything and anything. He expressed his sadness and regret over not being there for me and my mom ( and I believed him). In January he invited me to his home town to meet him and (his family). The drama started from there. I was grateful and happy, however the way his wife reacted towards me, I was totally shocked, this was a church going "Christian" woman, that was very insecure and jealous, and so was her family, when I showed up.

She came to my gathering (celebration) late, and then went onto to tell me all her and my (father figures) problems, and how she would never marry him again, and she knocked his family like crazy, (my side as well) said they all had issues (as if what family doesn't) like her family was so "perfect" in my mind I am trying to figure out this woman's motive.

I told him the things his wife said, because I could not figure out for the life of me why she was acting the way she did, She gave away how insecure she was, I saw right through her. At any rate, that is neither here or there. The problem I had was this. He called my mom after 35 years (for what I don't know) to supposedly apologize, and the whole (15min) they were on the phone, he boasted about his two daughters after me.

That reopened wounds for my mom like why would this man call me after 35 years to tell me this? It was to clear his consciousness. So sick.

The next thing I knew was that I was not hearing from the "father figure" like I was recently, he stopped calling, and responding to emails, yet he wanted me to attend a trip to Miami to meet (the other 2 girls), I wrote him and told him I was not going, I was not comfortable (it brought me back to remember how he just stopped writing to my mom and me in Panama and never explained and disappeared).

He immediately wrote back and asked why and explained that his wife was angry that I was back in the picture and they are now in counseling and that his absence had no reflection on wanting to be in a relationship again. I let it go agreed to go to Miami, and I watched his behavior to see if it matched. Guess what he still never called again, (the behavior continued) even after going to Miami.

Come to find out, I got a negative phone call from his daughter threatening me to not hurt her father. I was like what? He apparently told her about a conversation I had with him about his ways changing. She explained to me that he had to keep his wife and family together and did not want to jeopardize it by communicating with me. I was like WHAT?? YOU MEAN TO TELL ME, THAT THIS MAN WOULD GIVE UP THE CHANCE TO GET TO KNOW A LONG LOST DAUGHTER AND HAVE A POSSIBLE RELATIONSHIP, TO KEEP an insecure woman secure in her own shoes?

The part that pissed me off the most is that, since I have been in Maryland I have received at least 3 phone calls from his wife's side of the family asking me questions and being sneaky playing games. I said to myself, I wanted to get to know my "father figure" but he came with allot of baggage and "shoved his family" down my throat. Very disappointed to say the least.

Well I learned from this, I learned that I got the closure I needed, I saw him, I met him, and now I heal and move on. I tell other young women that have no father, when you find him, go with an open mind, but guard your heart, move slow, get to know HIM as much as POSSIBLE, take it slow. Move slow, ask questions, and if he tries to shove his other side down your throat ask him to slow down.

Am I hurt, not really, I am actually proud of myself, I NIPPED IT IN THE BUD, and needless to say, I TOLD HIS DAUGHTER A "FEW THINGS".

STAY SWEET, ANOTHER CHAPTER IN THE BOOK WRITTEN.